A Friend Indeed
by Jillcb
Summary: When Merlin has a problem carrying some boxes he takes an instant decision to use his magic. Suddenly he comes face to face with Gwaine, did the Knight see him? What should he do? Before he knows it, Merlin is facing his worst nightmare with no means of escape.


**A Friend Indeed**

It had begun to snow again. As Merlin rushed through the lower town, he stopped and buttoned his jacket against the breeze that was cutting into his bones. He then scooped up the boxes and packages he had just bought, he cursed under his breath as felt one of them beginning to tumble from his grip. Any minute he thought to himself these are going to be all over the place.

He took a quick decision checked that no one was looking his way and mumbled a spell. He felt his magic flow through his eyes, and the box righted itself into his hands once again. He may have got away with it, if Gwaine hadn't walked out that very instant, an unreadable look upon his face as he stared at Merlin.

Seeing him Merlin panicked how much had he seen? What was he going to say? What would Gwaine's reaction be? For a moment he forgot that the Knight was his best friend after losing Lancelot. But then Lancelot knew about Merlin's magic, Gwaine did not, and Merlin knew he could not risk letting him find out. He would have to deny it whatever; he made himself ready for what Gwaine would say.

"Want some help there Merlin?" Gwaine asked, putting his hands out and nodding.

Feeling suddenly confused Merlin let the Knight take some of the boxes from him. "Err thank you Gwaine. I am grateful you came to my rescue." To Merlin's ears his voice seemed strange to him, a bit too high pitched and unsure.

"Are these presents?" Gwaine asked, looking curious.

"Yes, and some herbs for Gaius too." Merlin mumbled, feeling unreal as he walked alongside Gwaine.

There was a brief silence as they walked along the corridor to Gaius's chambers. Sometimes Merlin liked silences, after all Gwaine was seldom silent. But this silence was dripping with tension, with things unsaid. Merlin just wanted to reach his chambers and close the door quick, fearing what he'd have to face.

He hated the idea of losing Gwaine's friendship and trust, feeling the two of them shared a special relationship. But this could be one step too far, he knew Gwaine like many feared and distrusted magic. Once again Merlin could feel the shadows overcoming him with another friend. Would it always have to be like this he wondered?

They reached the chambers, Gwaine dropping the boxes on the table. At first he had his back to Merlin, but Merlin could feel the atmosphere suffocating around him. He tried to break the tension with some normal conversation.

"Thanks for your help Gwaine, don't know what I would have done without you."

There was no response from Gwaine. Merlin didn't have to be facing him to know that the Knight was struggling with what he wanted to say. He could feel it with every ounce of his body. He suddenly felt light headed, and panicky, wishing he could find a way of bringing normality back to the surface. But all he could do was to wait for his friend's inevitable question, and then be ready with the inevitable denial.

"Merlin." Gwaine said, his voice tight as if holding some emotion back. "I don't quite know how to say this."

"Say what?" Merlin asked, his voice sounding puzzled, his face betraying it. He suddenly wanted to run away, at full tilt never coming back to this room, too Camelot. He suddenly longed to leave his damned destiny altogether where he had to lie daily to his friends.

"I think I know what I saw, but I need to hear you say it." Gwaine continued, now facing Merlin across the room.

"What do you mean?" asked Merlin, desperately feigning ignorance, while knowing his face was reddening as he spoke.

"What you did outside. Your hands never moved, yet you stopped that box from falling." Gwaine continued talking, his voice quiet and measured, watching every part of Merlin's manner.

"I, it I just caught it in time. That's all." Merlin insisted, feeling sick in his stomach as the charade continued between them.

"If I have to spell it out I will." Gwaine said, staring straight at Merlin.

"Spell what out?" Merlin asked, his feet shifting uncomfortably.

There was a pause before Gwaine said it, and when he did it felt like a cannon ball being unleashed at Merlin.

"Magic. You used magic." Gwaine said, no anger in his voice, just a sturdy determination.

The moment Gwaine had said it, Merlin felt as though he was caught in a trap, not knowing which way to turn. He needed to deny it he told himself, Gwaine could not know, none of them could, not before the time was right. It would spoil everything; Arthur would banish him or worse. His friends would turn against him. His destiny would be over before he had a chance to complete it. Camelot and Albion would be lost.

Yet as he was about to deliver the classic denial another voice began to speak inside his head. How many times would this happen? The lying, the deceit, not being allowed to trust your nearest and dearest? Always having to live a lie, to blend into the shadows. When all you wanted was to be another face in the crowd and accepted for what you actually are, and not what you're perceived to be.

It was as if he was at the crossroads now. From the day he had lost Lancelot, a huge hole had wrenched his insides. With Lancelot knowing his secret at least he knew he always had a friend, he could depend on. Someone who would give an honest answer too, someone he could go too when he was really unsure. He had missed it so badly. He was so lost in the moment, that it was only when he felt the Knight's hands on his shoulders, that he realized Gwaine was in front of him.

"Merlin when you look at me, what do you see?" Gwaine asked, his voice sounding sad.

"Gwaine. My friend." Merlin said, not daring to look at him, his mind still in turmoil.

"That is a relief." Gwaine said, a brief smile on his lips. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten that."

"No of course not." Merlin said, his eyes beginning to fill with emotion. I can't do this anymore he thought desperately to himself. I can't go on denying myself, and destroying people's trust.

As if reading his thoughts, Gwaine said. "Yes I am your friend. I have said before there is nothing you cannot tell me. There is nothing that will shock me, or destroy my love for you, because I _am _your friend. Come what may. So why do you find it so hard to talk and to trust me?"

Suddenly Merlin's dam broke, his emotion poured from his eyes, he turned away and took a deep breath, before the words tumbled out of his mouth running into one another.

"Because of my destiny, because I cannot afford to tell anyone, because if Arthur finds out it will be the end of me. The end of everything and we will all be lost. Camelot, Albion. My life will be over."

There was a pause, Merlin noticed Gwaine looking at him in a different way; as if trying to work out what Merlin had just said. Merlin wished he could feel better for blurting it all out, but he suddenly felt hollow and his head ached. Despite what Gwaine had said he felt he had lost his friend and he felt devastated.

"Destiny?" Gwaine questioned softly. "What do you mean by destiny?"

Merlin took a deep breath, knowing the game was up. "I was born to serve and protect Arthur. It is the reason for my magic. It is my job to see he stays as King, and back him while he brings the Five Kingdoms together. "

There was a slight pause as the answer hung in the air. "Well you might have told me!" Gwaine said, rolling his eyes. "All this time and you never let on."

"I didn't want other people to know because they would have to live with the secret as well. That's not fair." Merlin said, feeling nothing but anguish that now Gwaine would be forced to do the very thing, Merlin didn't want him to have to do. Share his secret and become part of the lie.

"Yes, because only you knowing is doing you a power of good isn't it? I mean look at you Merlin, it is too much. Being forced to hide away all the time, not be able to tell your friends?" Gwaine asked, his voice sounding aggrieved.

"Gaius knows, he has always known. Also Lancelot when he was alive, when I lost him." Merlin began.

"No wonder your mourned him so deeply." Gwaine said, sadly. "Well for what it's worth you have me now."

Merlin looked at him, "Gwaine I can't ask you too, I mean it puts you in a terrible situation."

Gwaine shrugged, "Well that is my decision isn't it? I am not going to pressure you Merlin, but when I look at you, I think you could do with some support. That is what I am offering you. If ever you feel the urge to talk, you know where I am."

Suddenly Merlin could feel the mist before his eyes begin to lift. His mind began to clear of all the voices, talking to him. A deep feeling of thankfulness began to gather his emotions. For a lot of people they saw Gwaine as the joker of the Knights, someone who didn't take life seriously. But Merlin had always known there was a lot more to Gwaine then that, now he truly understood it.

"Gwaine thank you. I know I have no right to ask you to lie to people for my account. But it's important that no one else knows. I beg you." Merlin said, tiredness swelling through him now.

"Whatever you want Merlin. But can I ask you something?" Gwaine asked.

"Yes, of course anything." Merlin nodded.

"Will you ever tell Arthur?" Gwaine asked.

"I do want him to know I hate not being able to be truthful, but the time has to be right. One day it will be, then he will know." Merlin said, feeling more hopeful now, as though Gwaine knowing changed everything.

"I hope you do, he needs to know about the amazing man who serves him. " Gwaine smiled.

"He will see me as a liar to begin with, and I have lied to you all." Merlin admitted.

"Because you've had too. Arthur will understand; you are underestimating his feelings for your friendship if you think anything else." Gwaine said, sternly.

"One day we will know." Merlin said, a small smile beginning on his face as he watched Gwaine walk away.

"I underestimated you Merlin." Gwaine said, at the door. "I won't be doing that again."

"But Gwaine. Me being a sorcerer doesn't that bother you?" Merlin asked, lost in the wonder of Gwaine's last words.

"Nah you're my friend, that's what I see when I look at you. See you later, get your head down."

Merlin let Gwaine's words wash over him for a second, before the emotion broke through for good. But as he let it out, he now knew at last he had a friend whom he could rely on, and someone who could accept him for what he actually was. For now that would do.

**The End.**

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